I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
