New low: just hacked my moms facebook
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
