we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
