weddingsv make me drug and hornr
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
