I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
