I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You may now shotgun with the bride
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize