just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
