I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
