So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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