Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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