tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
