life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize