it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
