Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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