"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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