Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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