Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
where are my eyebrows?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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