I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
