dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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