Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
