take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
as a side note pls kill me
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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