His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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