no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
