Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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