I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
