I think my vagina is haunted
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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