I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
