we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
