why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
