Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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