Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
