Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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