My Higher Power is John Stamos
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
