Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
