he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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