you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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