when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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