You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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