so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
