next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
