you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
