I should be sponsored by Trojan
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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