Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
