Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
