so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
