you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This is my gift to your gina
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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