I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
