We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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