Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We had sex on a dog bed..
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
