I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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