I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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