Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize