look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
