Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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