Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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