The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize