Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
