she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
