I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
