Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
