alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize