Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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