I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
