I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
