hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
