I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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